Too Much Time
by CocoaJuju
Summary: MerDer. Derek is surprised to find Meredith, who had disappeared to L.A. for five years, back in Seattle with two young children, and a few surprising secrets.
1. Prologue

**Title: **Too Much Time

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**Author's Note:**

Well, the time has come!

My friend Starfisher and I have decided to co-write a Grey's (MerDer) fic together. We've been working on it for the past few days, and have successfully (and within a decent amount of time, might I add) pounded out the first five chapters, which I will be posting in my next entry.

The first three chapters are written by Starfisher. The following two are written by me, CocoaJuju. However, from here on, we will be alternating chapters so that we will (hopefully) be able to update quickly. ;D To clear any confusion, all chapters, regardless of author, will be posted on my ff account, and my livejournal.

We have decided to name our fic '**Too Much Time**', based on one of Meredith's ending monologues in season two. Later in the story, it will become apparent why we chose this name. For now, however, we'll have to keep you hanging. DB;;

We would also like to make it clear that we are not the only two people who put their time into this fic. There are several beta readers that we are incredibly thankful for (and they know who they are).

Although we write for our own enjoyment, reviews make us... quite literally, squeal. So, please R&R! (And constructive criticism is always appreciated.)

Enjoy! ;D

* * *

**Prologue**

_(written by Starfisher)_

Cedars-Sinai Medical Center

11:48 p.m. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Los Angeles, California (a few blocks outside of Beverly Hills)

* * *

Meredith sat tensely in the waiting room of Cedars-Sinai, rocking her daughter Erin back and forth, back and forth. Three-year-old Erin fidgeted in her arms, fitfully falling in and out of sleep. It was just past eleven when Dr. Saunders finally walked into the waiting room. 

"Dr. Grey, Erin."

"What is it, Morgan?"

He handed her the envelope and she set Erin down, letting the little girl's head fall into her lap. She opened up the envelope with shaking hands and looked at the films, an MRI and a CT scan. "T-tumor?"

No, no, no. Not a tumor. Tumor. Josh had a tumor. Josh, her son, her oldest kid, Erin's older brother by five minutes, her little boy. Josh with brown hair and his father's blue eyes and dimples and her craving for grilled cheese in the mornings instead of toast or cereal. The world seemed to stop.

Josh. Tumor. Tumor. Josh. Josh had. A tumor. Josh had a tumor.

Dr. Saunders laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Dr. Grey. If you could call someone to pick up Erin, we'd like to transfer Joshua to Childrens Hospital."

"I'll call someone if you call my son Josh."

He let out a breath. "Listen, Meredith, he's my patient now-"

"Morgan." She held up her hand and he stopped talking. "Morgan, I need – I _need_ to know what's wrong with Josh. Get a grip. You've known this – this kid – Josh – my Josh - since he was born. Heck, you've known _me_ since I was eleven and you were a resident at Boston General. This is the kid who threw a baseball through your car window. Morgan, he has – Josh has a tumor, doesn't he?"

With the saddest eyes Meredith had ever seen, Morgan nodded. "Meredith. Call someone and you can meet us at Childrens...?"

Meredith shook her head. "I'd –I'd like to talk about transfer options."

"MEREDITH!"

Practically the whole waiting room turned around to look at them and Meredith hissed, "Keep it down, _Dr. Saunders_; it looks like you've got an audience."

"Dr. Grey..."

She fished her cell phone out of her purse and started to dial, stopping midway only to tell Dr. Morgan Saunders, "I'm making a call. I'd appreciate it if you'd go – go away."

Dr. Saunders huffed and slammed past the 'Medical Personnel Only' sign.

Meredith nodded to herself and shakily dialed a number she wouldn't have even dreamed of calling 4 ½ years ago.

"Grey?"

"Addison, can you come over to Cedars-Sinai?"

"Grey, the benefits of a private practice is that you have actual sleep hours. You woke me up."

"I'm serious. I'm begging you. Please."

She could hear rustling in the background and a murmured, "Go back to sleep." And then to Meredith, "I'll be there in a few minutes."

Fifteen minutes later, rain-swept and dripping Addison walked briskly through the doors of Cedars-Sinai's waiting room.

"Meredith?" she said quietly.

Embarrassed, she wiped away a tear. "Thank you so much, Addison," she said. "Thank you so much. If you could just take Erin back to your place for the night...I don't know what to do...I'm so out of it right now. God. What the hell am I doing?"

Addison rolled her eyes, but looked concerned – or as concerned as a sleep-deprived Addison Montgomery could look. "So where's the evil twin?"

"That's what this is about. They're thinking of transferring him to Childrens. It's a b-b-brain t-tumor." Her voice cracked slightly on the last sentence.

Addison nodded. "I'm sorry." She gave the smallest of smiles, as if to say, _I'm sorry Meredith, I really am sorry about your four-year-old son, but I don't know what to say._ Meredith thought of beating her up but decided that Erin really needed someplace to go and she needed someone to talk to.

Addison scooped up Erin out of Meredith's arms and into her own, and whispered to the sleepy-eyed girl, "Come on, Erin-Sharon. Aunt Addy's going to take you to get some sleep." Erin nodded and fell back to sleep.

Meredith nodded. "Thanks. I'll pick her up in the morning –"

"Don't bother. Mark's here; he loves Erin. Pick her up when you can."

"Thank you." Meredith gave a small smile.

"No problem, Grey." She nodded. "It's what we do, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Meredith brushed away her tears.

"We're surgeons. We save lives. It's what we do. That's all I'm doing Grey. Saving a life."


	2. Chapter 1

**Title: **Too Much Time

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_(written by Starfisher)_

Derek Shepherd ran a hand through his hair as he exited Seattle Grace for the first time in 48 hours. It had been a long two days with God-knows-how-many surgeries.

He dialed his voicemail number on his cell phone. "8 messages," it said. Eight? He never had more than two, if that.

"Derek, it's Izzie. Please, please come over to the house...there's someone here who you really need to see. I promise you, you won't be let down." Derek could hear George's voice distantly in the background and the shrieking of at least two kids. "No, George, I'm not making it sound like a party! Please come soon, Derek."

_Delete_.

"Shepherd. It's Karev. Dude, hurry and pick up your messages. I'm begging you – Izzie's going to kill me otherwise."

_Delete_.

"Mark here. Go."

_Delete_.

"Derek, I know you don't want to talk to me...so PICK UP. It's Addy. Addison. Yang just called me. There's something important. Please go over to Izzie's and Alex's, Derek. Do it for...whatever you held for Meredith."

_Delete_...painfully, delete.

"Shepherd, it's Bailey. Get your butt out of that hospital and over to Karev's, NOW."

Yikes. _Delete_. But honestly? Miranda didn't scare him. That much.

"Shep? It's Richard Webber. You're asleep now. I checked the on-call room a couple minutes ago. And, I was the Chief for longer than you've been, so please don't kill me for going in. Please go over to Alex and Izzie's after your shift's over."

_Delete_.

"They're using me as a last resort. Hey, Derek, it's Lexie. You know – Lexie Grey? Your former girlfriend's half-sister? That would be me. My dad just called me with some news. Go over to Izzie and Alex Karev's – I promise you, it may have been Meredith's but the house doesn't bite – and several people need to talk to you. Bye."

_Delete_.

"Hey. McDreamy Shepherd. Meredith's back. They wanted me to keep it a secret, but I'm Cristina and I can't. Stop deleting the damn McMessages and get over to Barbie's and Evil Spawn's."

_Save_.

It was 10 p.m. by the time he got to Meredith's old house, now occupied by Alex and Izzie and their two kids: Tessa and Dominic.

He didn't like coming here; it always reminded him of _her_ and how she looked that first time he woke up there, seeing the house and her for who she was and remembering all the little memories of _her_, here.

As he got out of the car, he felt his legs being attacked and almost stumbled over. "Uncle Dewek!"

"Hey, Tess," he said, picking up the three-year-old girl and swinging her up in the air before letting her pull him into the house.

"Do you know why Mommy and Daddy awe sad and why Cwistina and Aunt Lexie and Gwandpa Richard and Uncle Mark awe hewe? I wanted Daddy to wead me a bedtime stowy but Mommy said he's too busy. What does tu-mor mean, Uncle Dewek?"

Derek shut the door behind him as Tessa pulled him into the foyer. "Ask your mom, okay, Tessa?"

He started panicking. Someone had a tumor? Oh, God. Mere. Meredith. Tumor. Did Mere-? He shook his head. No. That was just unspeakable. And if it was really that bad, wouldn't Yang just have gone right out and said, "Meredith has a tumor"?

"Derek! Good to see you." Izzie walked down the hall. She looked...nervous. Nervous, mostly, and slightly happy. "Tessa, sweetie, up to bed."

She scampered up the stairs, turning around at the landing to say, "Night-night, Uncle Derek!"

"Night, Tess," he said and she ran down the hallway to her room.

"So Cristina spilled."

He nodded. "Where...where..."

"She's in the kitchen. Derek, there's a lot to say."

Subconsciously, he froze. There it was. He knew that fragrance from miles away. Lavender. She was...here. Cristina hadn't been lying.

"Oh, there's a lot to explain. There's more than a lot to explain, Derek. There're two lives to explain. You're here, Derek, and you're you. I really wanted to know why you never came after me."

He was at a loss for words. She was here. She was here, she could be his. And she was yelling at him? "Mere." Just saying her name, to her face...it was incredible. "Mere, I-"

"Mommy, who's this?"

Derek and Meredith both spun around. "Hey, sweetie," she said, bending down to the little girl's level. "Erin, this is Derek."

She looked up. "Derek, this is Erin. My daughter. She's four years old."

His face never changed but the emotions in the depths of his eyes changed rapidly, from fear to sadness to anger to happiness to disbelief.

"Hi, Erin, I'm Derek." He bent down to the four-year-old's level.

"I'm Erin Grey," she said in a clear, quiet voice.

"Erin," Meredith said, "Erin, can you go into the kitchen with Aunt Izzie?"

Izzie stepped forward. "C'mon, Erin. I'll let you help bake cookies."

The little girl nodded and turned back to Derek. "We have the same eyes," she said. "Mine and yours are blue!"

"Yeah," he said. His voice cracked and it took all he had not to start crying.

He straightened up and looked Mere in the eye. "Is-" He couldn't ask the question. Close eyes, breathe in, breathe out, open eyes. "Is she mine?"

Meredith nodded.

And he ran.


	3. Chapter 2

**Title: **Too Much Time

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Two**

_(written by Starfisher)_

"Meredith!"

There was no response.

Meredith could hear Addison walking into the kitchen. "Meredith's banging her head against the wall. Is that unusual?"

Izzie answered. "Alex, no. Me, no. Cristina or George, no. Mere – yeah, it's pretty unusual for Meredith to bang her head against a wall."

"Then why are you letting her?"

The four women around the table shrugged. "It's McDreamy," Cristina said. "What are we supposed to do?"

"Mommy, why are you banging your head?"

Meredith stopped the banging and a sigh of relief sounded from the five women in the kitchen.

"It's nothing, Erin." She winced, rubbing her head with one hand, and took her daughter's hand in her other hand and walked into the kitchen.

"I'd say it's something," Adele said, raising an eyebrow.

"Mere – shut up. Just shut up." Cristina shook her head. "You're a nervous wreck-"

"-she's always a nervous wreck-"

"Piss off, Izzie." Cristina waved her fellow resident off.

"He left me," Meredith mumbled; she sat down at the spot that Izzie had vacated to bake. Her head was set firmly in her arms. "He left me. He hurt me. He did this to me again, at the moment when I really, really need him. Why does he do this to me? Why?"

Her pleas were met with silence, were met with air. Meredith's strangled cries filled the room. "He left me...He left me!"

She looked up to a roomful of quitting faces. "Well? Why aren't any of you following him?"

Addison stood up. "I'll go." She walked out of the room and Meredith buried her head further into the crook of her arm.

Erin looked up at Callie and rolled her eyes. Callie rolled her eyes back and grinned. "You're smart, kid."

"Thanks," she said, proudly showing off the gap between her teeth.

Addison walked back in the room. "He's gone."

Meredith's head shot up. _No. He's NOT gone. No, no, no._ "He's not gone."

"He's gone." Addison shrugged and lifted Erin up. "Hey, Erin-Sharon. Isn't it time for bed?"

She looked up at Addison. "I'm not tired, Aunt Addy."

"Yes, you are," Addison said, putting Erin back on the ground and nudging her over to Meredith. "Meredith? Erin..."

"I'll take her up," Meredith said quietly. "I'll be back down soon."

She got Erin ready for bed, washing her face and teeth and helping with her pajamas and tucked the little girl into the guest room she and Erin had been sharing. It felt so strange to be back inside her old home and use the guest room.

"Mommy?" Erin asked as Meredith unbraided the two messy pigtails.

"Hmm? There! All done."

Erin lay back among the pillows. "Mommy, do I have a daddy?"

"Yes, you do."

Meredith stood up and whirled around. The voice had almost given her a heart attack. "Derek!"

"Meredith." He looked solemn and – apologetic. _Crap_. She was falling for him all over again, wasn't she?

"Mommy?"

Meredith smiled. Despite everything, her daughter could still make her smile. Despite Josh, despite Derek, despite her parents, despite – everything, Erin could still bring a smile to her face. Was that so wrong?

"Yes, Erin?" She crouched beside the bed and Derek leaned against the doorway.

"Where's my daddy?"

She could see Derek start to open his mouth to talk, but turned around for a split second to glare at him. _Don't_, she mouthed. Typical. Men. They always had to have an answer for everything.

"I'll tell you another day, Cupcake." She planted a kiss on Erin's dirty-blond head. "Sleep well."

"Mhm. Night-night, Mommy. I love you." Erin's eyes closed and she started to drift off.

"Night-night, Erin. Love you, too." She closed the door and started to go downstairs when Derek grabbed her and dragged her into the bathroom.

"Derek!" She fought against his grip but he had already shut the door. The last thing she wanted to do was to confront him.

"Mere. You can't dance around it forever."

She crossed her arms. "I'll dance around it for as damn well long as I want to."

"And how long is that going to be? It's been –" His voice cracked and she wanted to do nothing more than cry. "It's been five years. I feel like I don't even know who you are."

And she started to cry.

"Meredith." His voice struck like lightning on water. "Mere. We were getting there. We were getting somewhere. We had something, we had that twinge, we had that chemistry, that fire –"

She turned to face him, finally. "Maybe you had something, Derek. But I lost it."

"Meredith –"

"NO!" she screamed, and he jumped. "Shut up. You say Meredith and I yell, remember?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Five years haven't changed me as much as you think they have. I lost that spark. I lost that chemistry we had. I loved that. I loved you. Maybe I still love you. But I lost that spark and that chemistry and I wish I knew how to get it back, I wish I knew. If only..."

And her words had drowned along with that spark and that chemistry.

"Meredith?" he asked. "Mere?"

She looked at him with war-torn eyes. "Don't do this to me anymore, Derek. I can't handle being hurt anymore."


	4. Chapter 3

**Title: **Too Much Time

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 3**

_(written by Starfisher)_

"Don't do this to me anymore, Derek. I can't handle being hurt anymore."

He touched her arm and she flinched, but she didn't pull away, and for that he could give her credit. "I'm not...I promise, Mere. I can't hurt you. I won't hurt you."

A sob racked her body and it took all his self-control, every sense of feeling he had to not kiss her, to not comfort, to not wrap his arms around her and tell her that it was fine, to not tell her that this could all come out fine, that they – that they, the two of them, could come out of this with perfection. They were Meredith and Derek. They...he was in love with her. He would give his life for her to make sure she came out of this fine.

And after what seemed like an eternity, she spoke. "How do I know that?"

And she was right. Neither of them knew. Neither of them could predict the future.

And then he knew.

"Because of this," Derek whispered, and kissed her. And soon it wasn't just a kiss with no meaning and so many regrets; he could almost touch the sadness, the anguish, and all of their regrets.

She was the one to break the kiss. "And that's why..." She paused. "I have to go."

And then she was gone. He could distantly hear footsteps moving down the stairs. Running away from every bad memory. His brain told him to stay but his heart told him to go.

Slowly, he walked out of the tiled bathroom and walked down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Where did she go?" The words flew out of his mouth before he had a chance to register how stupid he sounded.

Addison crossed her arms. "I don't think you deserve to know that."

"Well, excuse me, Satan. Since when have you decided to become Meredith's benefactor?"

"Since you decided that it was too much work to look for Mere." Cristina was glaring at him and he really wanted to punch her. This wasn't just anyone – this was Meredith, his Meredith.

"I didn't..." he started to protest weakly.

"Dude, why are you still here? She's at Joe's."

Derek turned around and walked out the kitchen and clapped Alex on the shoulder. "Thanks."

As he closed the front door, he heard five women yell, "Alex!"

He walked into the Emerald City Bar and saw Meredith sitting at the bar, a shot of tequila in front of her. He almost laughed. So she hadn't changed after all.

"Double scotch, single malt, please" Derek said to Joe, as he sat down and looked sideways at Meredith. "Well, who are you?"

She tucked her hair back and looked at him. "I'm just a girl in a bar."

"And I'm just a guy in a bar," he answered, and reached for her hand, but she pulled it away and into her lap. Distantly he felt his heart stinging; or maybe it was numb.

"Meredith..." he pleaded. And then he realized what was wrong with this picture. He was chasing too hard. "I'm chasing you too hard, aren't I?"

He didn't receive a nod or a shake of her head, so he tried again. "I'm going to leave, Meredith. I'm going to go back to my trailer and think about what's happening with our lives and why we're doing this, and tomorrow or the day after we'll talk."

And then he got an answer. "Maybe that's best."

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong," he confessed, and everything spilled. "I don't know if I'm chasing you too hard or not enough because you won't talk to me and this is why everything happened in the first place. You're Meredith and I'm Derek and things like this aren't supposed to happen. Talk to me, Mere. Talk to me and then maybe we can see what's best."

She looked at him with those beautiful eyes, those sorrowful blue-green eyes. "I don't know, Derek. I really don't know."

And, for the second time that evening, he left. But not before he kissed her hair, the top of her lavender hair, and breathed in that lavender scent that he could never forget.


	5. Chapter 4

**Title: **Too Much Time

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**Author's Note:**

This is my first chapter, and although I'll admit that it's a bit of a filler (and a long one at that; 2k words. Whoosh!), I'm quite proud of it. It's setting you up for some exciting things to come. Not to mention the flashback to Joe's in the beginning of this chapter, because you know I just _had_ to elaborate on that night. ;D You see, Meredith drunk equals character building, because it's the prime opportunity to get into her head, to see what makes her tick, as intoxicated as she may be. And that was one of my main goals for this chapter.

So, enough with the gibberish.

Enjoy:D

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 4**

_(written by CocoaJuju)_

"Erin!"

Panic gripped Meredith as she spun on her heel, flying through the house. She stopped suddenly, laying her palm on her forehead and letting loose a groan. The abrupt stop left her wobbling, and she strained to not fall over. _Hang-over_, she thought bitterly, remembering the previous night.

Oh, it had been a _long_ night.

-----

Many voices and clinks and clatters filled the rambunctious bar, but she was straining to hear only one thing. When she heard the bells above Joe's bar door jingle and its creaky descent until it latched into place, Meredith knew that Derek had left. She slumped down over the emerald bar, and buried her face in her hands. Joe drew towards her when he noticed a hitching sigh rack her body, and concerned, he placed a hand affectionately on her shoulder.

"Fill your glass?"

Ah, that Joe. Hadn't he always known how to cheer her up? After all, he and his beautiful, memory-slogging, fully effective tequila shots were all that had kept her going when Derek had hurt her before. And again. And again. Maybe Derek wasn't always there, but Joe was.

She lifted her head out of her arms momentarily to give him a grateful nod, and then repositioned herself. The noise, the lights, the smells... this was her oasis. This was where she could come to contemplate things. And forget them. And so she thought... why had Derek come here at all?

She could still remember the night several days before Cristina's not-so-much wedding, when she had swallowed her tears back and had risen from the bed, pausing under the trailer's threshold to give Derek the time to call her back, to tell her that it was all okay; that he believed she could breath on her own without disappearing into the murky depths of Puget Sound. But he hadn't stopped her. Derek hadn't followed.

So why was he suddenly following now?

Meredith raised her head again when her glass clinked against the bar and Joe's shadow enveloped her small body as he stood over her. A concerned look began to blanket his face. Meredith shot him a frustrated look, and he looked away, pretending to be incredibly fascinated by the glass that he was drying off with a cloth. Meredith downed her sixth shot that evening, slammed it down against the marble bar top with a clink, and then turned her distorted gaze back to Joe.

"Another."

"Meredith, Hon, don't you think you've had enough?"

"No." She held her hand out, inspecting it with her head lying awkwardly at her shoulder. "I can still see my hand, can't I? Pour me another."

"Well," Joe said, gripping the smooth edge of the bar, "_I_ think you've had enough. You have Erin at home."

"Izzie and Alex are watching her. She's fine," she said, even though a wash of guilt was creeping its way up her spine.

"Meredith."

"Joe."

Joe let loose a frustrated sigh and ran his fingers through his disheveled hair.

"I'm going to call O'Malley to pick you up. All right?"

That time she stayed silent, offering a weak nod, drifting back into her own thoughts. Maybe… maybe she needed to reconsider her life. How she handled things. After all, she wasn't alone in this mess. And Derek. She had given into the flight response so many times it was ridiculous.

_I don't talk when I'm scared, either. I don't… talk._

When things became intimidating, she shut the people she loved out and came to these dark little bars with their tequila shots and inappropriate men. That was how she healed; how she looked out for herself. And perhaps she wasn't ready to let Derek catch her yet, but she'd try to be. She had decided it in that moment. She'd… try. She owed Derek that.

She closed her eyes, breathed out heavily, and then turned to lock eyes with Joe, who had just set down his phone. Joe's mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he were pondering whether to speak at all. A look of knowing passed between them that stilled them both. They consecutively nodded in understanding.

"Thank you, Joe," she whispered.

Then time seemed to pass rapidly. All she knew at that point was that the alcohol had started to roll in with thunderous, burning waves, that things were beginning to blur, that time was dissolving. She seemed almost... giddy.

Next thing she knew, a concerned George was at her side, leading her away from the bar and her worn barstool that was left swiveling in place.

It had been a long night.

-----

A giggle brought her back to the present with a jolt. She turned and saw Erin peering at her from the top of the couch.

"Mommy, I was hiding!" She grinned beautifully, and Meredith couldn't help but to break through her agitation and offer a smile in return. She slowly crossed the living room until she reached the giggling child.

"Erin Grey, you know you shouldn't hide when I'm calling for you." Meredith crossed her arms and tried to play out a serious look, but the drowsiness that enveloped her like a fog refused to let her hold it there for long. Her face softened when Erin guiltily wrapped her arms around one of her legs.

"I sorry."

"It's all right. Just don't do it again, okay Cupcake?"

There was a moment of silence, and Meredith found her mind wandering. She was going to the hospital today. She had to speak with Richard about a temporary residency at Seattle Grace. She couldn't fall behind even more, and there was no way to tell when she'd be able to go back to Los Angeles. She needed to be with Josh. And there was also the issue of Derek. She needed to find him, and tell him, and quickly.

Erin's small voice jerked her out of her thoughts.

"You won't yell at me, wight, mommy?"

"When have I ever yelled?"

Meredith bent down and tucked a dangling slip of Erin's wild curls behind her ear.

"You yelled at Josh..."

Meredith stilled, sucking in a breath.

"...when he thwew a ball at Dr. Mowgan's horsy," Erin continued, prodding her with a questioning stare.

Meredith smiled for the first time that morning.

"You mean 'Mustang', Erin," she said, decidedly skimming over the initial subject. "It's a car."

"Oh," the little girl said, looking up as if in deep contemplation, certainly a trait that she had picked up from her father. "A musang."

Meredith just nodded, and herded the girl to the bathroom to get her ready.

-----

The drive to Erin's preschool had been a quick one, but even in the short distance it took her to drive her daughter there, anxiety had grown and built up until it was nearly pumping through her veins. She had been at the hospital with Josh for a few hours already in the mere day they'd flown out to Seattle. But now, now she was going there with a somewhat alternative motive. The thought of seeing Derek, of quite possibly digging a deeper hole than the one she was already in, was terrifying.

When the car that Meredith had borrowed from Izzie earlier finally rumbled to a halt, she crawled out of the driver's seat and opened the backseat door for Erin, who was excitedly swinging her legs to and fro and babbling something that Meredith only half-registered about her first day at a new school. She leaned over the fidgeting girl and unhooked her seatbelt, grimacing when Josh's illuminated car seat caught her eye. The realization was starting to sink in.

This wasn't a vacation, she mentally scolded herself. Erin was going to school here. She needed to have things shipped up here, find an apartment that they could stay in. Talk to Cristina on a regular basis, keep Addison informed on what was going on when she got back to L.A. tomorrow. Work...work things out with Derek.

This realization became clearer yet when she shook hands with Erin's bubbly principal, Mrs. Blaire; she took a mental beating, one question, one comment at a time. Cruel, naive questions. Simple, yet ignorant, disastrous things that pounded her one right after the other.

"So, what brings you to Seattle?"

Shove.

"Will Erin's father be picking her up?"

Smack.

"How long will your daughter be joining us?"

Stab. Stab. Stab.

Perhaps, she considered, if they had been directed at any other person, the stout, grinning woman's questions would not have been so burdenous... but, oh no, life just didn't work that way for Meredith Grey. Damn.

Meredith just stared at the woman, stunned. Mrs. Blaire's brows drew together in concern.

"Mrs. Grey?" she prodded.

It wasn't as if she could answer those questions. _My son is dying._ …which would induce gasps and stuttering condolences._ Oh, their father didn't know she existed until yesterday. _Gasp. _Well, it depends on how long it takes my son to die._ Oh, my.

Meredith mumbled a few incoherent responses, gave Erin's head a quick kiss, then strode quickly off before Mrs. Blaire could register her jumbled speech.

-----

Meredith leaned against the desk at the nurse's station, watching as people scrambled by her in blurs of light and navy blues. She wrapped her arms across her chest, suddenly feeling misplaced among them, wearing a pair of jeans and her old horseshoe T-shirt. She had to face it; she hadn't even wanted to get out of bed that morning, let alone wear something fashionable, or dig her light blue scrubs out of the bottom of her bulging suitcase. It was one of those, _I feel like I might die today_, days.

A familiar head of long, dark curls passed by her field of vision in strides, and she leaned forward to grab the woman's shoulder. Cristina whirled around, a chart in one hand, with her fingers wrapped around a pen, and a cup of coffee in the other.

"What do you...," she paused, looking Meredith up and down for a moment, "...oh, Mere," she breathed.

Something about Cristina's tone surprised her. Yesterday, she had been complaining of Meredith's absence, and spoke as if holding a grudge. Now... now she seemed uncharacteristically compassionate. Meredith sucked in a breath as the realization dawned on her. She must have seen Josh.

"Hey," she said, as Cristina fell into place against the desk beside her, "do you still hate me?"

"Maybe." Cristina raised the coffee cup to her nose and breathed it in for a moment. "Ah, caffeine. Talk to me."

"I screwed things up again. With Derek. I tend to do that, don't I?"

"You tend to do that, Mere."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

There was a moment of silence before Meredith spoke again.

"Cristina. I need to find him. I really, really need to find him."

Cristina turned her head to the side to look at Meredith, raising her eyebrows.

"Derek? I'm prepping a patient for him. Even a cardiothoracic surgeon enjoys a good Hemispherectomy. I think he's doing a consult before the surgery."

"Where?"

"How should I know?" Cristina retorted, taking a sip of coffee, "I'm about to cut a brain in half; a real, live, functioning organ. I have better things to do than to be your McDreamy tracker."

Meredith snorted - despite her annoyance.

"That's really quite helpful."

"I tell you time and time again, sarcasm just doesn't work for you."

"But you're really not..."

Cristina cut her off by saying, "Oh, God," gesturing towards an attending who was walking rapidly towards them with a spring in her stride.

"Is that-?"

"Oh, hello, Dr. Heron," Cristina muttered half-heartedly.

Sydney straightened up, gracing them both with a wide grin.

"Hi!," Sydney responded, turning towards Meredith. "Hi! Oh, Dr. Grey, don't you just look lovely!" Meredith tightened her grip around her small frame. "It's been a while. Here on a consult, I'm guessing?"

"Oh, um...," Meredith stuttered, not sure how to respond.

"She was just going to see Dr. Shepherd about a patient. And I have to go prep," Cristina cut in, gesturing between the two of them.

"Oh!" Sydney exclaimed, rocking back on her heels. "Well, let's not keep your patients waiting, then. Nice seeing you, Meredith!"

Both women quickly scurried off; Sydney stood alone among the chaos, letting out a low whistle. "Yeah," she muttered, still grinning.

Cristina pulled Meredith into a less crowded hallway, and both women began walking subconsciously towards the pediatrics unit. Cristina cleared her throat, trying to clear the tension.

"She's a freaking bubble. I mean, 'heal with love?' Seriously."

Meredith could barely register her Person's words. Her heart, her mind, her entire _being_ was beating ominously, and she felt a trickle of dread running down her spine. Every step was taking her closer to Derek. Closer to more pounding, unanswerable questions. And _these_ questions would come from Derek. The unclear, unspoken answers would hold more depth, more meaning. And inevitably, they would draw her towards him again and she would have to force herself away. Because, as much as she almost wished she could look past the hurt he had inflicted on her time after time, she couldn't. _She_ needed more time. To heal.

And suddenly, she didn't feel so ready to try anymore. Not yet. Not... yet.

But he did deserve to know. About everything; about Josh, about herself.

"Seriously," Meredith stopped in her tracks, turning towards Cristina with pleading eyes, "I really do need to find Derek."

Cristina noted the urgency in Meredith's voice and gave her a brisk nod.

"Go."

With that, Meredith hurried off.


	6. Chapter 5

**Title: **Too Much Time

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 5**

_(written by CocoaJuju)_

The blinds on the other end of the patient's room were drawn, casting a soft glow of morning sunlight over the sleeping child in the hospital bed. The boy looked small and lost among the heavy, beeping equipment surrounding him. Derek stood over the sick child, listening to his soft breathing. He reached out and brushed one of the boy's dangling palms with the pad of his thumb.

"Hey, buddy," he whispered, leaning closer.

The boy didn't offer any response. Derek ran his hands through his hair and down the side of his face, sighing. He didn't want to wake the child; he was probably sleeping somewhat peacefully for the first time in a long while. The consult would have to resume later.

Derek hung over the bed's handlebar, observing what he could from the boy. His facial features were distinctive and broadly shaped, if not for perhaps a roundness that would dissolve with age. Dark blonde bangs cascaded over his closed eyes in waves of curls. _He would have grown handsomely_, thought Derek. The only aspect of the small boy that spoke of his illness was the paleness that clung to his features, with the skin around his eyes hugged in a sickly grey. And yet... something looked strangely familiar about him.

Derek sucked in a breath and turned away, finding a piece of equipment to advert his attention to. He traced his fingers over a brain wave monitor, following the little red lines as they climbed and descended on the screen. Everything looked good, or at least as far as the boy's apparent situation would allow. That was... good.

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd!"

Derek spun around in surprise. Dr. Tomsen, whom Derek recognized as one of the fifth-year pediatric residents, stood awkwardly in the doorway.

"We weren't expecting you this early," she said, glancing quickly behind her shoulder.

_We?_

Dr. Tomsen stepped aside, revealing a small group of interns peering curiously into the room.

"Is this a bad time?" she asked, gesturing towards them.

"No, no! Go right ahead," Derek said, nodding towards the nervous young doctors.

"Thank you, Shep."

Dr. Tomsen spun of her heel, addressing the interns. "Who's presenting?"

All of the interns shot up their arms except Alana Macmillan, who clumsily raised her hand. No caffeine yet that morning, Derek thought with a smirk.

Dr. Tomsen scanned the group with inquisitive eyes. "Macmillan, you're presenting."

Alana opened her eyes and stood up straighter. She stepped forward, taking the chart from her resident and lifting it open.

"This four-year-old white male was admitted for listlessness, vomiting, and complaining of morning headaches. Throughout the stay at his previous hospital, his symptoms had advanced to a stumbling gait, diplopia, and motor weakness, and at this present time is suffering from partial paralysis. It has been noted that he presents with elevated intracranial pressure, which has suggested a Medulloblastoma tumor originating in the cerebellum that has begun to metastasize to the spine."

"Treatment options?" Dr. Tomsen asked.

Alana traced the pages with her finger.

"The only possible treatment option is a maximal resection of the tumor by way of craniotomy, which has been withheld by the mother so that the child will not have to endure radiation and chemotherapy. He will require significant care..."

The woman paused, her voice lowering sympathetically.

"...for the duration of his stay here at Seattle Grace."

Her voice was met with silence, as seven pairs of eyes fell on the resting child piled among a rainbow of wires.

A tumor. A pathological tumor.

Dr. Tomsen finally cleared her throat, turning back toward her interns. She ran a skeptical eye over them before locking eyes with one of the young men.

"Dr. England, you're on this with me. Now, go fetch this boy some ice chips for when he wakes up."

Dr. Charlie England gave a brisk nod. Alana dropped the chart at the foot of the boy's bed. And then the group of previously exhilarated people left, deflated, leaving Derek and the child alone again.

Curiously, he crossed to the end of the bed, picking the chart up and flipping through the glossy, scribbled pages. By habit, he flipped to the first page, scanning down the list of personal information, until his eyes caught something. There, written in deep, bold ink, it stated:

_**Parent/Guardian's Name:** **Meredith Grey**_

...and everything around him seemed to come to a sudden halt.


	7. Chapter 6

**Title: **Too Much Time

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 6**

_(written by Starfisher)_

The world seemed to halt. The nurses and interns and residents and other attendings rushed outside the room while he stayed still. The floor seemed to meet his head, except it didn't, and suddenly everything was dark and quiet and still.

"Josh...Derek."

Derek turned on his heel, grabbing onto a railing to steady himself. "Meredith."

They stared at each other, blue locking with the green, and he noticed there was so much false hope in her eyes and she knew it, so much sadness and trauma and pain. He could see. He knew her. And it scared him. She didn't want to try again. Sometime, maybe, but not now. Maybe she was telling herself that there was too much going on. Moving back to Seattle and having two four-year-olds probably did that to you.

She was ready to try again, he knew. She was. But she didn't want to. Because she was too afraid to fall for him and have to let go. Meredith was afraid of loving him.

Then it struck him: it wasn't just Meredith. It was himself, too. They were both afraid of love.

She sat down carefully in a chair near the door, like it would break if she sat too hard. "I was going to tell you."

"Sure," he said sarcastically. "Sure you were. Going to tell me that on top of a four-year-old daughter I have another, equally four-year-old son who has a brain tumor that I have to see die?"

He bit his tongue, but it was too late. He couldn't take the words back, and the pain was shown in her eyes. Regretfully, he murmured a "Sorry" but she brushed it off.

"No," she said, looking at her hands in her lap and then her head shot up. "You're right. You're completely right. I was coming to tell you. And I need to tell you something else."

"You're not ready."

And she didn't say anything, sort of as if she had known he would know. Just nodded, and he noticed the tears streaking down her face.

"I'm not ready."

"Mommy?"

Both adults swiveled their heads toward the bead, where Josh's eyes fluttered open and he lay as listless and lifeless as he had been asleep.

"Hey, kid," Meredith said softly, perching on the end of the bed and brushing a few locks of his curly blonde hair out of his eyes. Blue eyes, he noticed, like Erin's, but his hair was a darker shade of blonde than even Meredith's. The resemblance wasn't very striking between Josh and Meredith in terms of facial structure, but it struck him: it was him. Josh looked like himself at four, in that old family portrait where Kath kept trying to get him to laugh. Josh looked like him.

"Mommy," Josh repeated as if it was a struggle to speak – which, Derek realized, it was.

"How are you?"

Josh shook his head slowly. "Hurt," he said and his eyes landed on Derek, who gave a painful smile at the small boy. It was so hard, so very, very hard to see him.

"This is Dr. Shepherd," Meredith said, following Josh's line of vision. "A friend of mine. No more Dr. Saunders anymore, kid."

"You can call me Derek," Derek said as he strode to the other side of the bed. "So you're hurting a little?"

"He said he's in pain," Meredith defended the small boy.

There were a few murmurs and squeals and low voices at the door; Derek turned to see the surgical residents, Erin, Addison, and Bailey.

"Erin!" Meredith said and Derek could see Josh craning his head.

"Mama!" Erin cried and launched herself at her mother, who boosted her up into her lap.

"I picked up the little monster from her preschool," George said from the doorway.

"Do you want me to stay?" Izzie, Alex, and George asked at the same time.

Meredith shook her head. Derek could sense her discomfort and discreetly motioned for them all to leave, at which each of them glared at him. _We're staying_, Alex mouthed defensively.

"Didn't you hear me?" Meredith said, still not looking their way, loose hairs covering her face so her tear-streaked cheeks and puffy eyes were hidden. "Go!"

Izzie, Alex, and George left reluctantly, each glaring at Derek in turn. Great. That would be one fun fight.

"Meredith?" Addison's head just barely came around the door. "Meredith, I have to finish packing. Are you okay here?"

Her head nodded, the loose hairs bobbed up and down along with her low ponytail, but she didn't say anything. Addison made her way into the room and went up to Derek, who subconsciously sidestepped her. She looked at him with frank curiosity and a sliver of hatred and shook her head. "You think you're here for her? Don't do this, Derek. Wake up."

She walked over to Meredith and put a hand on her shoulder. "Meredith."

She didn't look up.

"Meredith?"

No response.

"Meredith, I'll be back later to see Josh and take Erin to Izzie and Alex's. Are you sure you're all right?"

Her eyes fluttered shut. "I'll be fine."

Addison nodded. "Okay." His ex-wife shot him a glance that said, _Don't hurt her_. He wasn't planning to.

"Dr. Shepherd." Bailey stood in the doorway. "You have a surgery in five minutes."

Derek raised an eyebrow but cowered ever so slightly. "Since when are you Chief?"

"I'm not. It's a reminder. Be happy I'm reminding you, Dr. Shepherd." She walked away and turned around. "Grey, hang in there."

Meredith nodded again but didn't say anything.

He started to sit down in the chair next to her but she held up a hand to stop him. "No." She looked up. "You don't get to sit here. Not yet."

Erin looked up at him from Meredith's lap. "You're Dewek."

"Yes, I am." He smiled. She was adorable. "And you're Erin."

She nodded. "Mommy?"

"Yes, Erin?"

"Why is he hewe?"

Derek almost laughed but Meredith quirked an eyebrow at him and he just grinned.

"Well, Cupcake, he's here because he's a friend of mine. Remember Dr. Saunders?"

"Did Joshy bweak his horsy?"

Meredith let out a low whistle and lifted Erin into the chair next to her. "Remember, Er? It's his Mustang. A car."

"Oh. Musang." The little girl shrugged. "Dr. Mogan?"

"Morgan, sweetie. Call him Dr. Saunders. Morgan Saunders. He was Josh's doctor. But we wanted Josh to be with everyone up in Seattle, so he's here now. And Josh will have a new doctor here."

Erin nodded and yawned. "Mommy, they said in pweschool that I am a baby. Erin baby?" She yawned again and Meredith reached for one of the little girl's slick braids, slowly taking it in her hands and unraveling the dark blonde hair that was the same shade as her own. Erin curled up on the chair and Meredith lifted her back into her own lap. Erin's head rested against her shoulder and blonde curly hair was unbraided till it reached the little girl's collarbone.

"No, Erin, you're not a baby."

Erin smiled sleepily and looked up at Derek with one eye open. "Night-night, Dewek."

"Good-night, Erin." He smiled down at the little girl, who smiled back and fell asleep.

There were several minutes of silence and Derek stood there, somewhat unsure of why he remained, knowing that somewhere there was a reason why he lingered. Derek rocked back and forth on his feet until Meredith stood, Erin in her arms, and placed her next to a sleeping Josh.

"Her hair's always curly like that," Meredith said in an abrupt whisper as she sat down in her seat. "Josh's, too. I was hoping I wouldn't have a girl. Girls are too hard to protect from the world. But I love Erin – and Josh – so much. So much more than I thought I would."

There were a few more minutes of silence before Derek said the question that he thought he couldn't ask. "Did you think of giving them away?"

"Yes," she answered surely. "But I couldn't, once I saw them. There was no way I could give them up, even for...my career. For everything. No way," she repeated, as if to reassure herself that it hadn't been a mistake to keep her own children.

"Why didn't you want a girl?"

She looked up at him and stared him straight in the eye. He shivered.

"Because girls are hurt too easily."

Night had fallen outside Seattle Grace but it was still bright inside the hospital. Derek made his way into Josh's room, rubbing his eyes and squinting at the dimmed lights. Meredith was fast asleep; Erin curled up on the bed next to her brother, who was lying still on the bed. It wasn't a medically-related visit that he was here for; his shift was over and Derek had changed out of scrubs into his normal clothing.

He sat down next to Meredith, in the chair second-closest to the door. She hadn't stirred for a few hours and he didn't intend on moving her now. Her head was slumped to the side and as he sat down it moved ever so slightly so the crown of her head was resting on his shoulder. Derek smiled to himself. He had missed her. And he hadn't gone after her. How stupid was he, really?

He looked down into her face and saw that tears had dried to her pale cheeks. Dangerously, hesitantly, he reached down with the pad of his thumb and wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes. Almost immediately, her eyes flew open and, again, those powerful blue-green eyes gained control over his eyes, over his face, over his body, over his whole being.

"What are you doing here?" she mumbled, and he smiled at how cute she was when she was half-asleep.

"Checking up on you," he said. "You and Erin and Josh."

She seemed to be trying to smile, but it was too hard. Her mouth curved up but her eyes didn't smile in the least. Then he realized what was wrong: she was still crying. Again, he reached down and wiped the tears from her cheeks as they streaked down over the almost-white skin.

"Why are you crying?" he whispered, and glanced over at the twins; they were still asleep. He wiped a tear from a corner of her eye and her hand lifted, as if detached from herself. As if she wanted to bat away his hand. But she didn't raise it all the way.

"What are you doing?" she hissed, and was suddenly wide awake. "I told you I didn't want to do it anymore!"

"Mommy?" came a weak voice from the bed. Erin was sitting up, rubbing her eyes with her fists.

"Go back to sleep, Cupcake," Meredith called quietly. "Go back to sleep." Within seconds, Erin was back asleep, and they both breathed sighs of relief.

"I think you do want to try," said Derek. "I think you do."

"I don't know." She whispered loudly and harshly. "I don't know, Derek. I have four-year-old twins, one of whom is dying, a condo in L.A. and a house here, a life I don't know, and an ex-boyfriend who-"

But she had cut herself off.

He sat down. "Hey. I'm here."

And she started to cry. Silent tears, as if she didn't want him to know that she was crying. But he knew. After a while they became noisy, snuffling, full-blown tears, with the sobs and such. He wrapped both his arms around her and hugged her with all his might, only wanting to keep her close, only wanting to love her forever. That could never happen; fate had chanced them too many times and just enough for him to barely believe. But for now, he could love.

Eventually she fell asleep, breathing heavily on his shoulder. He reached down for the third time that night and wiped away her tears with his thumb and kissed the crown of her head, whispering, "I love you," into her dark blonde hair.

This time, she didn't wake up.


	8. Chapter 7

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 7**

_(written by Starfisher)_

"Cristina."

She continued to talk. "He's creepy. Because unlike you, Mere, I don't have sex with guys the first time I meet them, no matter how drunk I happen to be. No offense, of course-"

"-none taken-"

"-and he kicks me while he's sleeping, so then I don't get any sleep. He's not a surgeon. We need our sleep. Hell, why am I dating a guy who's not a surgeon?"

"Cristina."

Cristina gave her the Look, the patented Cristina Look, the one that told her that yes, she thought Meredith was completely pathetic and no, she wasn't going to be getting sympathy. "Yes?"

"I have a situation."

Cristina turned away from the coffee machine. "A situation? So I'm still your Person? Because last time I looked you were dishing everything to Satan."

Meredith sighed. She was tired of explaining it. "She's not Satan. She's a good person, if only under-sympathetic, cold, and distant. She's helped me out more than I can repay her."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Cristina waved her hand with a pen vaguely as if it was something she wished to forget – which it probably was. "So what's up with you and McDreamy?"

"I don't know."

The two women sat down at a table, Meredith still clutching a cold cup of tea from her visit to the Chief's office and Cristina taking a sip of her vanilla latte before answering. "Sure you do. Seriously?"

"Seriously," Meredith subconsciously echoed. "He told me he loved me."

"Mmm. Really?" Cristina's eyebrows rose from behind her cup of caffeine. "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?! Did you say it back?" Cristina looked so intent, so focused, so serious (and so frustrated) that Meredith burst out laughing. She was silenced, however, all too quickly by a glare.

"I was sleeping."

Cristina let out a frustrated growl. "Augh. Why does everything that happens to _me_, happen to _you_?" She emphasized her point by pointing at Meredith and herself with the ballpoint pen as she talked.

"I don't know," Meredith shrugged. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"Fine. What were you thinking of?"

"I don't know." Meredith hissed. "I don't think I want to try again with him, but he's McDreamy and he's so damn irresistible, yet he's such a-"

Meredith cut herself off and stared intently to the other side of the courtyard to the coffee machine and a cartful of baked goods.

"What?" Cristina's voice sounded louder than before as she lost her patience. "Who is it?"

"Is that Alex and Erin?" Meredith answered without moving her head, peering at the adult and child as they sat down at a table.

"Let's go spy on them," Cristina said excitedly, sounding like a ten-year-old, but Meredith was already three steps ahead of her. She sleuthed around the courtyard, being careful to let neither Alex nor Erin see her, and sat down a few tables away, scooting her chair just so to position herself behind a tall man with a hat.

"So," Alex said in a casual tone that indicated more than said on the surface, unwrapping the cookie he had bought (_Bribed_, Meredith thought incredulously) for the four-year-old, "does your Mommy talk to you about stuff?"

Meredith felt bolts of anger shoot throughout her veins. Damn asshole had no right snooping in her business, much less cross-examining her four-year-old daughter over it.

"What?" Erin asked.

"Oh, like stuff she says not to tell anyone," Alex said off-handedly.

"Then I wouldn't tell anyone," Erin said sweetly, and a warm, fuzzy feeling spread throughout her mother. She had always told herself little Erin was anything but ordinary, but to see it in person made her feel like she'd finally done something right.

She chose that moment to stride over to the table. "Good girl, Er," Meredith said, tugging on one of the ends of her braids. Erin beamed.

"What the heck?" Alex glared at her, like it was _her_ fault.

"Well excuse me, you're the one interrogating my daughter!"

"I have every right to! You've been so damn secretive lately; I like to know what's going on in my house!"

"That's my house, and you don't have a right to know! She is not your daughter!"

A new voice sounded from behind Meredith. "She's not your daughter, Karev."

Meredith wheeled around as Alex stormed away, muttering about "women" and "stalkers."

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Meredith hissed, trying to keep down her voice for Erin's sake.

"Checking up on you," Derek merely replied. "You okay, Erin?"

Erin nodded. "Will Uncle Alex be okay?"

Meredith and Derek exchanged glances. Their eyes locked. Meredith looked into his blue eyes and found her being sucked in. His eyes had a grip so powerful over her that she couldn't possibly be the one to break it.

He was telling the truth. He was trying to help her, and Erin and Josh. He wasn't out to hurt her. And he loved her. And she loved him. Maybe.

She wasn't ready to fall in love.

"He'll be fine," Derek finally replied, still not breaking eye contact with Meredith. She soaked in the warmth of his blue eyes.

"You sure?" Erin persisted.

"I'm sure," Derek assured the little girl and broke away from Meredith's blue-green eyes. He grinned at her and she returned the grin, except it was his grin and his dimples, and every time Erin smiled it hurt.

Meredith glared at him. "What?" Derek said in surprise.

Meredith sneered, barely able to hold in her first reaction – slap him. "And I suppose you think you can rescue me anytime you damn well want to?"

Derek nodded and Meredith took him seriously, a bit. The sun glinted on something in the corner of his eyes, but Derek quickly reached up to brush it away. With a jolt, Meredith realized it was a tear. But she didn't have the time to feel guilty or be sympathetic. That could come later.

"Mama?" Erin asked quietly from her perch in a chair. Meredith looked around and saw Cristina, vanilla latte in hand, looking at her with one eyebrow raised.

"Sorry, Cupcake," Meredith apologized. "You go with Cristina, okay?"

Erin nodded and slipped out of her seat, trailing behind Cristina miserably as they walked away from the cafeteria, gazing at her mother as if to say, _Help me, Mommy!_

"You're horrible," Meredith said, turning back to Derek before the latter could possibly open his mouth. "I hate you. You left me once and didn't follow me once. But you're so damn irresistible. And I think that I'm in love with you."

Meredith's tongue caught in her mouth, which was suddenly dry and clammy. She barely registered collapsing into Erin's former seat and Derek sitting in the one Alex had been sitting in what seemed like an eternity ago.

Derek's eyes looked at her, and they seemed to know what she was thinking but wondering what she was going to say next.

"You think?" he said hesitantly, quietly, in a whisper.

She thought. What had she said? _I think I'm in love with you_. That sounded vaguely familiar.

"I think," Meredith repeated, more sure of herself this time. "Take it or leave it, Derek."

She knew he would take it. It was the first time she took a chance. The first time she put herself out there since she had returned. It was dangerous, sure, but what else could she possibly do wrong?

"I'll take it," he said instantly.

No turning back.


	9. Chapter 8

**Authors: **Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom: **Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing: **MerDer

**Timeline: **Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer: **All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**Author's Notes:**

First off, I apologize that it took me a while to get this update done. However, the good news is, it's the longest chapter yet in TMT. I also take pride in the fact that this chapter made Starfisher cry. ;D ...So prepare yourselves, loves.

I'll warn you; a fair amount of this chapter requires you to read between the lines. What do you see?

Starfisher and I would also like to thank everyone who has added TMT as an alert or who has the story and/or myself listed as a favorite. All recognition is appreciated! That in mind, we would especially like to thank our reviewers.

Reviewers; do not be afraid to point out what plotlines/dialogue you like and dislike. Your comments can help us keep on the right track with characterization. Thank you!

Read, enjoy, & review.

* * *

**Chapter Eight**

_(written by CocoaJuju)_

There was so much to say.

"No."

It wasn't really a word; just a breathy sound that fell off her lips, like the whistle of wind.

Her son lay there, silent and still... so very still. So very lifeless. Just a bump in the sea of white hospital linens that enwrapped him.

"No." It came again, louder, but nevertheless indistinct, as her voice choked on the word.

Derek gently laid a palm on her shoulder, taking the risk of crossing that red line that marked a doctor's distance from compassion. After all, he suddenly found himself in this situation with her, when he never would have dreamed such a thing could happen to him only a mere week ago. His own son was drifting away, and so was hers.

"Mrs. Kline."

His patient's mother slowly met his eyes, and he could see the glimmer of tears there, waiting to spill over. Her eyes were searching; searching every muscle, every dip and curve in his face for a sign that her reality was just some sick joke. That he would break with laughter at any moment, and her twenty-six year old son would jump from the bed and flail with hysteria at her ignorance. _No_, her eyes implored, _he isn't dead._

"No." She said a third time, letting loose a gasp as the first layer of tears meandered down her cheeks. Derek gave her shoulder a squeeze, and the older woman mouthed, 'Dr. Shepherd.' He responded with a slow nod. _Yes_, your son is gone. _Yes_.

"It's too late." She whispered. Derek hadn't a clue what she meant by that, but nodded anyways, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"There was..." the woman started, but fell silent. He could tell she was still in shock, having arrived in Seattle to support her son during his surgery only to find that he had died of a complication before she had even stepped off the plane. She looked lost, as if the truth of her problem hadn't completely sunken in yet, or she had chosen to ignore it. As if she was still looking for the answer and the solution.

"There was so much I had to say." She started again, looking past him. "We never had the typical mother-son relationship. We argued because, well, alcohol... and money..."

She sniffed, and Derek tightened his grip on her shoulder.

"...they never really mattered, anyways. We never should have fought. I never should have kicked him out, and he never should have left. And when I found out about the aneurysm, I tried to make amends. I didn't want him to be sick and alone, and angry with me on top of all that. My baby needed his mother... I really did try, Dr. Shepherd."

"Derek," he corrected softly.

"Lucy," she said, sniffling. "...But he didn't listen. He wouldn't... listen."

There was a moment then, where both doctor and patient bowed their heads in silence. Both grieved for different reasons, but it was their grief alone that formed the sudden kinship between them.

"You can tell him now."

"What?" Lucy looked like she had been jolted back from a place far away.

"Tell him." Derek gestured towards the bed.

Lucy's eyes filled again as she followed his gaze. There was a deer-in-headlights look about her face, but it gradually fell away as she absorbed his words. She turned her bloodshot eyes back towards him and gave a small nod.

"Yes," she whispered, "I think I will."

Derek patted her shoulder and backed out of the room, pausing under the doorway to look at the scene one last time. It was something, although bitter, that he wanted to remember always.

Lucy sat in a chair that she had pulled to her son's bedside. She leaned over him, stroking her fingers through his red hair. There was a sense of peace about the two silhouettes of people in the dark hospital room, as if a compromise had finally been reached, and all that was left was the calm of memories.

"Hi, Dill." He heard Lucy's strangled whisper, and left as sobs began to fill the room.

There was so much to say.

-----

"Can you open your eyes for me?"

Derek peered into the room, watching as Dr. Tomsen prodded the boy from his sleep.

"Josh," she greeted him, leaning over the bed so that her smiling face was directly in front of his. Because of the double vision, Derek thought, and was proven correctly when Josh's eyes slowly fluttered open and blinked frantically, straining to gain focus.

"Right here," the small woman said, tilting his chin slightly so that his eyes could fall on her. Even then, he seemed to be staring without really seeing. "That's right. It's me, Dr. Tomsen. Sorry we had to wake you, little man." Derek listened as she spoke to the boy; he would have thought she had a charming bedside manner if he hadn't been so concerned with what she was prompting his son for.

His breath caught as Dr. Macmillan stepped forward, flashlight in hand. Derek had observed and performed many a neurological exam each shift, and so every movement and every word was routine, textbook, insignificant. But now it was his son lying helpless in the bed, with his every breath controlled by the small handful of doctors and nurses on his case. And with Medulloblastoma, the symptoms weren't just going to go away; everything just advanced one check-up at a time. There couldn't possibly be any good news to gain through this.

"I'm here."

The voice was a soft, wispy sound, but nevertheless Derek recognized it immediately. As is eyes fell on the form of Meredith sunken into a bedside chair, he wondered why he hadn't noticed her presence before.

The dark of the room left Meredith looking small and vulnerable, with only the hall lights illuminating her face. She looked misplaced; shrunken down into the seat, with one hand worrying at the fabric of her shirt while the other moved to entwine her fingers with Josh's.

He found himself entranced by her, unable to shift his gaze. He hadn't seen much more of her since the day she told him she loved him. Maybe. Maybe loved him. Suddenly it felt like that day had been so long ago, when in all reality, just a few days had passed since then. He figured she was avoiding him.

He could tell she was terrified, and the desire to comfort her burned within him. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her that it would all be okay. But… would she let him? Would it all really be okay?

Josh was ordered to remember words, to follow the light, to wiggle this and move that. Dr. Tomsen spoke loudly and cheerfully to the child, while her intern continued the examination and asked question after question. Although the room was busy and relatively loud, it wasn't until he heard Dr. Macmillian's gasp that he tore his attention from Meredith to the situation at hand.

Dr. Tomsen's smile fell away as she pulled a pen out of her lab coat pocket, and gently jabbed Josh's open palm with it.

"Hey, little guy. Can you feel that?"

Josh's eyes fluttered again, and he let out a frustrated sigh. Doctors must have been prodding at him all night, Derek thought suddenly, taking a quick glance at his watch. 4:07 AM. The poor kid just wanted to sleep.

Josh muttered "no", in such a broken, strangled way, and Derek was suddenly somewhere else. In another dark hospital room, where Lucy's desperate eyes implored him to say it. There lay a broken child on the bed, but it was not Dylan Kline.

No.

No, no, no.

Even from his distant perch in the doorway, he could see the skin around the pen grow white as Josh's doctor pushed into it with such force that her arm shook with the effort. Josh's blue eyes lazily shut as sleep began to take hold of him, unaware of the rising tension around him. He hadn't yelled, he hadn't cried. He hadn't even winced. Nothing.

After a long moment, he could hear Dr. Tomsen clear her throat, and watched as she turned and tentatively placed a hand over Meredith's.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, and by the strained sound of her voice, Derek could tell that she was being sincere. "But..."

The woman was about to continue, but Meredith shook her head and finished for her. "His right arm is paralyzed."

"Yes," the other woman muttered sadly.

Both pediatric residents left the room, giving Derek nods of acknowledgement as they slipped past him. Then all was quiet, with only the sigh of wind blowing through the open window to break the eerie silence that came.

Meredith wore a faraway look, and left Derek wondering if she even realized he stood there. The unnerving silence stretched on for several minutes.

He took one breath. Two. Three. He couldn't even begin to speak, but he'd damn well try. He screwed his eyes shut and took in a deeper breath, prompting himself to comfort her.

_You can do this._

A choking sound ripped through the silence, and his eyes flew open in shock. Meredith stood from the chair, gripping her chest with her hands. She looked frantically around the room, not knowing what to do with herself in that moment. Derek's gaze softened on her, even though it was apparent she hadn't yet registered his presence. She looked…

Lost.

Another shaky gasp came, and then another, until she was sucking in breaths far too quickly. And then he was at her side, gripping her arm, leading her back to the chair in silence.

When she was settled back into it, he kneeled beside her and brushed at her tears with fingers. Meredith's blue-green eyes bored into his in a way he was all too familiar.

"Why?" she muttered, but her voice seemed distant. "Why are you here?"

"Why do you keep pushing me away?"

The words came out before he had a chance to consider them, and he immediately regretted opening his mouth. It was true that the deep, dark pit of himself was angry with her. After all, she ran and expected him to chase, and most often he did. In fact, choosing not to was his biggest regret. Meredith only seemed colder now, when his intentions had been to give her up so she could lead a better life, where she wouldn't have to keep running.

When he didn't chase, it was his fault.

Apparently.

He longed for a healthy relationship with Meredith, where they could work out their problems together. He longed for _her_, desperately. For the past week, every time he noticed her walking about in the hallways, he was filled with hope. All he wanted was to talk to her. They needed to have a talk; a real talk. But at some point along the line, she'd notice him and suddenly find something much more interesting to do at the other end of the hospital. So, what then?

What was she expecting him to do?

There was a moment of silence before Meredith spoke again, and Derek could see fresh tears spilling down her cheeks.

"It's easier to have someone to blame."

Her words stilled him in his conquest to dry her eyes, and his hand froze awkwardly between them before pulling it back to him.

"Do you blame me?" she asked, and the answer rolled off his tongue before he had the chance to really understand what she was asking.

"No."

Well, a little. Just a little. But now was not the time.

"He could have had the surgery," Meredith said, and glanced at her sleeping child.

And then he knew.

"No," he breathed, "God, no. Of course not, Mere. You made the right decision."

"I hope so," she said.

She looked so small. So fragile.

And now that he was close, able to breathe in the sweet scent of her lavender conditioner and appreciate the soft details of her skin, he could also see the imbalance.

So sick.

Her eyes were dark and heavy, and her complexion had faded a few shades yet. He noticed her shiver as a cool breeze swept in through the open window, and leaned over to shut it before pulling his sweater off and wrapping it around Meredith's arms like a shawl. She gratefully took it without protest and hugged it closer to her, kneading her fingers in the soft fabric.

"The survival rates…," she started, but choked on the words. "…they just aren't good. Not for kids with this thing."

She gestured towards nothing in particular, and Derek nodded.

"Especially not for kids at this age. And when it's so advanced, at that. Even with the surgery, what chance does he have?"

Meredith shrugged helplessly, and Derek's heart broke in two.

"So, I thought, why put him through surgery, and anesthesia, and chemo, and radiation? Why add to his pain? Why, when he's…"

She fell silent, and Derek knew she wouldn't finish the sentence. He reached forward and pushed a lock of her spiraling blonde hair behind an ear.

"You're a good mother."

"I hope so," she whispered.

She worried her teeth over her bottom lip, which Derek understood as what she did when she was struggling to say something.

"What?" he gently prodded.

Bloodshot eyes locked, and in that moment, they shared the same grief.

"It's his arm, you know?" And Derek knew.

He knew; it wasn't really about the arm. It was the headaches, the nausea, the vomiting, the immobility, the weakness, the double vision, the neck, the back, the arm. It was the crawling paralysis of her son's entire body; next the other arm, the legs, the face, the lungs. The 'I'm sorry, but.' But what? What next?

Chip a piece off here, a piece off there.

It was unfolding before their eyes. It was the slow, painful, steady crawl of impending death.

"You're not alone, Mere."

She opened her mouth as if to say something, but all that came out was a small puff of air. And then she nodded, ever so slowly, closing her eyes for the briefest of moments.

They sat in comfortable silence for an undistinguished period of time. It didn't really matter. Not then.

"Take a walk with me?" Derek suddenly asked, lifting the corners of his lips to offer what little smile he could produce then.

Meredith contemplated this for only a moment before she gave a nod, and he brought them both to their feet.

"Good," he said, surprised. "That's really good."

-----

They walked side by side in the hospital basement. Without having anywhere in particular to go, they moved with slow, matching strides.

Derek had proposed the idea of walking through the basement for several reasons. One was that it was not too far from Josh, in case of… well, it just wasn't far.

The temperature there was a bit chilly, but not like it would be should they have stepped outside the hospital. Nevertheless, Meredith had buried herself in his sweater, and walked with her hands embedded in the pockets.

Most importantly, it was somewhere that he knew Meredith felt safe and comfortable. Many times when they were together he would hear stories of the interns' misadventures in the basement, so he knew she had spent a considerable amount of time there with her friends. Although he often didn't go down there, when he did, he found it was surprisingly tranquil. It was an exasperated doctor's oasis hidden beneath the bustling floors of the hospital.

It was their escape.

"Meredith," he started, still walking.

"Yes?" she answered, but there was still an essence about her voice that seemed lost to him.

"I'm sorry."

About Addison. About the yelling. About the not-so-much-wedding. About the fleeing. About Josh. About so many things.

The unspoken words hung between them, and yet they were all heard.

He noticed her pace slow and pick up again, but she gave no other indication that she had even heard him for a moment. Then she nodded.

"So am I."

He nodded back.

"I'm still not ready. Yet," she whispered.

"I know," he said, pausing. "Mere, I…"

…love you.

Meredith suddenly stopped and turned to face him, gently wrapping her fingers around his arm and giving it a squeeze.

"I know," she whispered calmly.

And they walked in companionable silence through the dimly lit halls, while time again lost meaning.

There was so much to say.

* * *

**Please review!**


	10. Chapter 9

**Authors:** Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom:** Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing:** MerDer

**Timeline:** Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

Rating: K+

**Disclaimer:** All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

_(written by Starfisher)_

"Hello?"

Derek was exhausted, absolutely exhausted. It had been only two days since his last confrontation with Meredith. Even though he couldn't see her much, he just felt happy seeing her in Josh's room or around the hospital. He'd snuck in a few times while she was sleeping – once on Josh's bed, the other time in a stiff, uncomfortable plastic chair, clutching her son's hand in sleep.

He'd moved up next to her and lightly grasped her hand, shocked the first time that it hadn't woken her up as he'd sort of intended to. But it had felt good knowing that she was...there. That he could see her.

"Dr. Shepherd, it's Izzie Stevens."

He let out a low hiss – or perhaps it was a groan. "Yes, Izzie, I know it's you. Call me Derek."

"Um. Meredith's sick."

He had made it to the nurse's station when he whirled around, bumping into Cristina Yang. "Sorry, Shepherd, got to see Mere!" she called over her shoulder, curls flying and a messenger bag clanking against her thighs.

Derek's head was whirling and he grasped the counter of the nurse's station, pressing the phone to his ear. "I'm sorry, Izzie. What?"

"Meredith's sick!" she said a little louder, and Derek winced, pulling the phone away from his ear a little. Meredith was sick? Oh, god. Josh. Erin. Work. What was happening?

"She's...sick?"

There was a rustling on the other end that Derek assumed was Izzie's hair. "She's got the flu."

"She's got the flu?"

"Of course she does, what are you, a parrot?" Izzie scoffed at his lack of understanding. "Please. Surely you've seen how exhausted she is?"

Derek nodded and then mentally smacked himself. "Yeah."

And he had. Meredith had dark rings under her eyes and for the last few days she had looked listless and pale. But every time he saw her she was sleeping and she looked like she needed all the sleep she could get, so he never woke her, never tried to wake her. So he didn't know what was wrong.

"Shepherd?"

Derek snapped back to the harsh tones of reality with Izzie's voice. "How is she?"

"She'll be fine," Izzie said distastefully, "no thanks to you."

"What do you mean, 'no thanks to me'?"

He heard the blonde cluck her tongue and could feel, even through the connection of his cell phone, her glare. "Dr. Shepherd – Derek – listen to me! You abandoned Meredith for five very long years! She did many wrongs of her own, too, but you – you never bothered to find her!"

He froze.

He should have. He tried. He really did try, he really did...

"I didn't know," Derek whispered. "I didn't know how. And by then it was too late."

------

"_Derek?"_

_Derek turned his head and saw Addison, standing there in all her Prada-glory, with Erin in hand. His heart leapt; the little girl was so beautiful, so innocent, and the way she smiled at him made his heart melt. "Satan! What a surprise."_

"_Stop the –" Addison cut herself off and looked at Erin, who was looking up at her Aunt Addy so lovingly. "Stop the C-R-A-P, Derek. I'm taking Erin back to Karev's place. I just needed you to let Meredith know that I'm off, and that I'll call her once I get back to L.A."_

"_You're leaving?"_

"_Of course. I have work just like anyone else. Pregnant women don't stop having problems just because I left for a long weekend. I don't think Naomi minded that much; she has a soft spot for Josh. But I do have to get back."_

_Derek nodded. "Do you need me to take Erin?"_

_Addison raised her eyes to the ceiling and glanced around them; the bridge, normally crowded with people, was human-free at eight at night. "My god, is everyone here deaf?" She lowered her eyes and looked at Derek. "No, I'm taking her to Karev's."_

"_Is someone there?"_

_She rolled her eyes. "Overprotective ass. Last I heard, Stevens was there with their kids."_

_Erin looked up at Addison. "Aunt Addy?"_

_Addison looked down at the little girl. "Yeah, Erin-Sharon?"_

"_What does 'ass' mean?"_

_Addison's eyes widened. "Um...donkey. It means donkey."_

_Derek smirked. He had never seen Addison that frazzled before, even in all the times that his nieces and nephews had surrounded their Aunt Addy when Derek and Addison would visit the Shepherd clan in Connecticut. He smiled. He should call his mother sometime; find out what his sisters were up to these days._

"_Okay," Erin said simply. "Wanna see Mama, Aunt Addy."_

"_You're going to see Aunt Izzie, Erin. Mama's talking with your Grandpa Richard, remember, Er?"_

"_Oh. Yes."_

_Addison gave a grim smile. "Well, Derek, I have to get going. My flight's in three hours and with all the security these days, it's better to be safe than sorry."_

_He nodded. "I'll have her call you."_

"_Okay," Addison said. There was a moment of awkward silence and he knew that both of them were recalling the eleven years, the years of silence and noise and happy and sad. And in her eyes was reflected half the grief and regret in his own._

"_Bye, Addison."_

"_Bye, Derek."_

_She walked away and Erin trailed behind her, her chubby fingers still grasped in Addison's sweaty palm and her two thick braids thumping against her back._

_Suddenly, as he watched, Erin tore her hand out of Addison's and ran toward him almost in slow motion and flung herself against Derek's legs. "Bye, Dewek."_

_He smiled and knelt down to the little girl's level. She wrapped short arms around his neck and he wrapped one arm around her back and another up so his hand touched her curly, dark-blonde hair. He smoothed down the little girl's curls and breathed in that innocent childhood scent that always reminded him of the strawberries his mother used to grow._

_He rested his chin against the top of her head. "Bye, Erin."_

_She pulled her head away and her eyebrows furrowed; she shook her head and the braids thwack-thwack-thwacked against chubby cheeks. "No. Not Ewin. Cupcake."_

_He smiled as he recognized Erin's nickname given by her mother. "See you later, Cupcake."_

_Erin ran back to Addison, who looked at Derek and said, "You're the only person who's allowed to call her 'Cupcake' besides her mother, as far as I know. You've earned her trust. Use it well."_

_Derek just rolled his eyes and shook his head at the cryptic message, walking towards the Chief's office._

_He turned on his heel. But he wasn't whistling. Didn't think of it; the thought somehow never crossed his mind. Today didn't, for some twist of fate, seem like the day to be happy._

_Then he stopped. Her head was down and she had a small stack of folders clutched to her chest. She was exhausted, drained, her hair was a mess and she looked like she hadn't showered since yesterday morning. But he could care less. She was beautiful._

_Her name started to roll of his tongue and lips. "Mer-"_

_And then she headed into the Chief's office. _

_He didn't think, really. He didn't particularly like to think on two hours of sleep, but it was necessary. For his job. Not for Meredith. No. He. Couldn't. Do this. Too many words. So much time and he must hear what they're saying, why is he doing this, there is no time or rhyme or reason or meaning- _

_He just sort of slipped inside the empty reception room, closer to the door, and stood there. He couldn't really understand why no one was there at eight at night but sort of accepted the fact subconsciously. It was the end of visitors' hours and, besides, who would really be coming to the Chief of Surgery at eight at night?_

"_Meredith! What a surprise."_

_Richard Webber's salt-and-pepper eyebrows shot up at the sight of petite Meredith, who stood there with a tortured half-smile plastered onto her face._

"_Good to see you, too, Chief."_

"_Sit, sit, please." He got up as Meredith collapsed into the chair opposite of Richard Webber's desk chair. "Can I get you something? Coffee, cup of tea, iced tea, water...?"_

"_A cup of tea sounds fine, thanks." They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes as they waited for the cup of tea to finish in the microwave and he set it in front of her with a flourish. The permanent frown had returned to Meredith's face. "Thanks."_

"_Now, Meredith, what are you here for?" _

_But something had caught Meredith's eye. Derek followed her line of vision and saw that she was looking at a picture frame, a glass picture frame that was tilted just so and the light reflected off it so he could see –_

_- so he could see that it was a picture of twins, a boy and a girl, and their mother, in front of the Space Needle. Josh, Meredith, and Erin._

_His breath caught. Why, oh, he was so stupid. Such a freaking idiot. Why had he never noticed that before?_

_Richard followed his pseudo-daughter's eyes and smiled. "I love that picture. From your last visit here, remember? Sloan made me a copy from Addison's pictures."_

_She nodded and even from outside he could see the muscles in her throat were tensing. He wished he could punch Richard. The chief needed to stop talking about it. She was upset, he could tell. He kept talking._

"_I love that picture."_

_Meredith nodded again, this time her jaw set and her eyes blue blades of steel. "I came because I want to finish my residency here, Chief."_

"_Well, of course." He dismissed that with a brusque nod. "That's assumed. I just wasn't really planning to talk about it at eight at night." _

_She shook her head so fast that her hair came out of its ponytail holder and then stopped short. From what he could see, her eyelids were firmly pressed together. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I'll come back tomorrow morning; I need to check on Josh –"_

_He didn't bother to stay. She didn't need him there; not now. He would see her soon. _

_------_

"Shepherd? Shepherd?"

He plastered a fake smile on his face and realized just how much he and Meredith could be alike sometimes. "Sorry, Izzie. I'm coming right away, I promise. I'll be right over."

The blonde heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank God. I'm going to take Tess and Dominic out for a bit, then. I don't want them catching whatever bug she has."

But she didn't have a bug. She was exhausted. And she had a choice to make. So he didn't blame her.

"How soon do you think you'll be here?"

"Soon," he promised. "Soon."

He arrived soon. There were two lights on in the house and Izzie opened the door for him in a rush. "Thank God you're here," she gushed, ushering him inside. "Tess is sick now, so I'll be here, and Erin sort of slipped my mind on the phone –"

He listened to her ramble as she locked the door and wondered distantly how she could forget about Erin. She was so adorable. The little girl – his little girl – had captured his heart since the moment he met her.

"You can go up, you know," she said quietly as he was lost in thought. "She's in the master."

He nodded and realized that his face was pale. Damn it. He was Derek Shepherd, he could do this. He climbed the stairs slowly, trying to anticipate what would come, but he couldn't.

Derek closed his eyes for half a second and then his foot connected with something hard, like bone; he realized that it was a person and he opened his eyes –

Erin.

"Ouch!" she said and glared up at him, crossing her little arms, curly blonde hair fanned out on her shoulders.

"Hey, Erin," Derek said, sitting down on the top step with her. "Did I hurt you?"

"Mhmm," she said, and he pulled her close and smiled. She smelled a little like her mother. "Kiss it better?"

"Hmm?" He turned his head towards her.

"I get boo-boos and Mama always kisses it better. Awe you going to kiss it better Dewek?"

He smiled at her. That little smile was so cute, with her dimples and a few freckles like his sister Maggie had when she was a kid, that he couldn't resist. "Of course, Er," he said, and bent over to give her knee a kiss.

She grinned so the gap between her teeth showed. "Thank you, Dewek."

"You're welcome, Er," he said and grinned back at the little girl. He couldn't leave this little girl. How Meredith could ever think he was going to leave these kids – and her – was beyond his own thought process.

Then he noticed the little kitten in her lap and Meredith almost slipped his mind in the moment. "Who's this?"

She produced her little tabby plush cat, which looked worse for wear. "This is Charlotte, my kitty. She's my favwite stuffed aminal."

"Is she now?" She looked vaguely familiar. "Was that your mom's?"

She nodded. "Mama said that my daddy gave it to her and she gave it to me."

And then he recognized it. He had given it to Meredith on a whim one day, when they had passed by the hospital gift shop. The it had been sitting in the window and he had seen Meredith's eyes soften as they passed over the little grey-and-white striped, plush kitten. He had gone in and bought it for her, presenting it to her with a flourish. She had never named it, saying that one day she'd get around to it – it had remained in a drawer of her bureau and this was the first time he had seen it since.

He gave a large hug to Erin and her cat – Charlotte? – and breathed in that sweet strawberry scent. "Love you, Erin," he murmured quietly as the sleepy girl settled into him.

She looked up at him and giggled happily. "Love you, too, Dewek."

He got up and helped Erin up, who toddled down the hall to her room. The little girl's braids were coming undone and unraveled against her back and wished not for the first time that if she were only his, but this time it was different. She was his, but she was Meredith's daughter because she didn't know that he was her father. How could the little girl fail to see it? They had the same eyes, she had his little tilt of the head and his smile.

Then he remembered.

"_We have the same eyes," she said. "Mine and yours are blue!"_

So maybe she knew, in that four-year-old sense of the world.

But he shook his head and cleared his brain. As much as he may love that little girl, this was Meredith's time. He loved that woman. She had captivated him from the start. He was hers; there was no way around it. He loved this woman and he was determined to be there for her, no matter what may come at them.

So he bravely cracked open her bedroom door.

* * *

**Please review!**


	11. Chapter 10

**Authors:** Starfisher & CocoaJuju

**Fandom:** Grey's Anatomy

**Pairing:** MerDer

**Timeline:** Post Season Three Finale (3.25) + 5 yrs.

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** All characters and quotes belong to their respective owners.

**Author's Notes:**

I know these last two chapters are very awkward, but they're supposed to be this way – even though it may not seem like it, Meredith and Derek are still somewhat awkward in each other's presence. Thus, Meredith's thoughts tend to be jumbled up inside her. In Derek's words (from Chapter 9), "No time or rhyme or reason."

Thank you so much for reading Too Much Time, seeing as you've stuck with us this far! Please review; both Cocoa and I need lots and lots of (constructive) criticism!

* * *

**Chapter Ten**

_(written by Starfisher)_

Meredith was curled on her side. She didn't want to think or deal with even Erin right now, or think about Josh. She wanted Derek, quite specifically, which happened every time she had been sick over the past five years. Every time during her pregnancy, when the twins were born with an emergency C-section, and for the four long but precious years it had been after that she had wished Derek was there.

And now he was so close and she was so sick but he wasn't here.

"He's coming," a voice said into the crack of the door. "He's coming."

Meredith grunted. Izzie had been far too happy since Meredith had woken up sick this morning. For half a second she had wished Addison was there and then shuddered quickly. God, no. Meredith might be friends with the woman but there was no way she wished Addison in place of Izzie, even when Izzie was at her worst. They were still the five interns, even as residents; they stuck together. People are what matter.

She grabbed at an object that she spotted lying on the other side of the bed and was surprised to find something that she didn't remember being there a few nights ago. Maybe it had been there all along. Who knew? Admittedly, Meredith had been sort of out of it.

"His sweater," she murmured, bringing it close to her cheek. It smelled like him, all piney and woodsy and such. Smelled like the hospital and everything that was so Derek. A pit developed in her stomach. She wished he was here, now.

Then the door opened and she muttered, "Go 'way," because it couldn't possibly be Derek this soon.

But the body sat down on the bed and wrapped his arms around her and breathed in her hair and it was; it was Derek; she was sick and he was here.

She had missed this. Not her being sick, necessarily; that was something Meredith could definitely live without. She had missed him being there. His arms around her and the top of her head scraping his chin and leaning against his chest and his thumb massaging small circles into the palms of her hands. Oh, she had missed him, of course. There was no doubt about that in the least.

She leaned back and whispered, "I missed you."

A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. He was looking at her and she couldn't breathe, sick though she might be. "Did you?"

"A lot," she said, looking into those beautiful pools of blue depth and forgetting everything that had to do with the eloquence of words.

The rain pounded onto the windowpanes in sheet after sheet of water bombarding them as if bombs, but Derek's arms circled around Meredith tighter and she felt more safe than she ever had before, wishing that they could just stay there forever because maybe, just maybe, he wasn't going to leave after all. Or maybe she was concerned about herself leaving?

She was sort of known for running. She couldn't run away forever, and not now.

As if he had read her thoughts, his head bent forward and whispered against her ear, "I'll be here forever." His lips tickled against her earlobe and the words vibrated and echoed and muffled themselves within her. His breath against her skin sent a shiver down her spine.

"I know," she said slowly, as if it was such a big step.

She knew he would be there forever, but she had thought, once, so long ago, that maybe she didn't want that. That had been her biggest mistake.

"You had my heart," she poured out. "It was always yours. I just didn't know how much I wanted this. This tug-and-pull relationship, this back and forth about who really wanted a relationship. That's why I left. Because I needed time to think. I was planning to come back. And then I found out about the twins and I couldn't because that would be so complicated and I didn't want any children of mine growing up in that. But I love you, still."

His head moved alongside hers and he didn't speak. Meredith appreciated that.

"I love you, too," he said quietly, after what seemed like hours, perhaps days, days with them just lying here in comfortable silence, sheets of rain trapping them into a cocoon.

And then she started to cry. She had been so stupid and was just realizing it now. So, so terribly stupid. And she needed this cry, if she was to be honest with herself.

Tears streaked her cheeks and sobs racked her body. Her breath came out in short spurts and she was trying to breathe because she still could breathe, breathe, breathe and oh was this always so hard because she could cry like this forever letting everything out that had ever happened and not just crying in the moment because after all that was what she tended to do. She was Meredith.

Derek's arms didn't loosen when she started crying nor did he hug her tighter. He just pulled her closer and stroked her hair with one of his hands. Then she knew then that, yes, he would be there forever. They could do this.

Meredith's sobs slowed down to the inevitable hiccupping and she pulled her makeshift pillow/sweater closer to herself.

A low chuckle resounded against her scalp and she jumped. "You kept it," the voice rumbled from behind her. "You kept my sweater with you?"

A smile almost graced her face. "Maybe," she hiccupped. "So what if I did?"

She knew there was a smile on her head when he pecked her in a quick, light, feather-like kiss that made her stomach flip. Was this called trying? "It's cute," he said.

She shrugged and wiped away a few of her tears. "I guess."

Sleep came to claim Meredith, but the last thing she heard before she drifted off was his happy, quiet voice saying, "For the record, I missed you, too."

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